Examples of Valentine Humor and Funny Jokes

Are you seeking some funny examples of Valentine humor?

Here are some jokes and humorous snippets which we found.

Some people just don't come over all romantic on Valentine's Day - they prefer to wisecrack and make jokes about love and relationships. Unfortunately, some relationships deserve to be the butt of jokes!

Here is a quote from Dave Barry, one of my favorite columnists:

"Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings."

Some quirky Valentine humor from Woody Allen:

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats".
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox!"

And here is a piece of practical Valentine humor:

There was once a young man who was buying a costly bracelet at a well-known jeweler's, meaning to give it to his girlfriend as a surprise Valentine's Day present. The man asked him, "Would you like to engrave your girlfriend's name on the inside?"

The young man considered for a while, then grinned and replied, "No, please just engrave 'To my one and only love.'"

The man answered that that was very romantic. With mischievousness in his eye, the young man said, "Not just romantic, but very practical. If we ever break up, I can use the bracelet again."

Here is a piece of Valentine humor that the ladies will certainly enjoy.

A young guy - handsome, intelligent, sexy and dressed sophisticatedly, walked into a bar. He realized that a woman was staring at him and also flashing a welcoming smile at him. He felt flattered, went up to the lady and, in the sexiest voice he could muster, said, "Beautiful lady, I'll do anything that you wish for just twenty dollars, but there is one condition."

The lady felt somewhat cornered, and the words just flowed out of her mouth, "What is the condition?"

The man said, "You will have to let me know your wish in only three words."

The woman paused for some time, then opened her purse, counted out the cash and handed the money to the guy together with her home address. She looked deeply into his eyes and said softly, "Clean my house."

More pieces of Valentine humor:

After having a big quarrel, a woman was very frustrated with her husband. She said to him, "You know, I was such a big fool when I married you." The husband smiled and answered, "I know, dear, but I was so in love that I did not notice it."

If you are hoping that your wife will listen and pay very close attention to every word that you are saying, there is one thing you need to do - talk in your sleep.

A small boy asked his dad, "Daddy, how much would it cost to get married?" The man frowned and replied, "I have no idea, son. I am still paying for my marriage."

A husband and wife reached a wishing well. The woman leaned over the well, silently whispered a wish, and then threw in a coin. The man decided to make a wish, too. However, he leaned too far forward, lost his balance and fell into the well. Unfortunately, he drowned. It all happened so quickly, the woman was absolutely stunned. But she regained her composure and said, "Oh my goodness, the wishing well really works!"

Here is some sarcastic Valentine humor:

A husband and wife were driving down a country road. They had an argument, neither wanted to give way, and they did not speak a word to each other for miles. As they drove past a farm which had goats, pigs and mules, the man asked sarcastically, "Are those your relatives?" "Indeed, the woman replied, "in-laws."

And here is some rather sick Valentine humor - Man 1 says proudly: "My wife is an angel!" Man 2 replies: "You are so lucky. My wife is still alive."

Finally, the last piece of Valentine humor here is a quote from Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh: "When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife."

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